"Never accept any criterion that makes you miserable.
Never accept any morality that makes you feel guilty.
Never accept anything that is trying to enforce something upon you against your simple nature.
Just be yourself and you are perfect." ~Osho~
I believe the saying to be very true, and had convinced myself that I was following those very words, but in reality I was not.
Marianne Williamson writes in her book “A Woman’s Worth” the following (page 56)
“There’s a great story about recovering from attraction to dangerous men. It goes like this: When you’re really ill, you don’t even know a snake when you see one. Once recovery begins, you see a snake and you know it’s a snake, but you still play with it. Once you’ve landed in true recovery zone, you see a snake, you know it’s a snake, and you cross to the other side of the road.
Until then, everyone you know can tell you the game is toxic with that person, but you won’t listen because you think you’re different or that he’ll be different with you, or that maybe you’re the first one to have really seen his sensitive side. There’s no forcing the process by which we simply stop being attracted to pain. It’s a long road for some of us…”
Without going into a long drawn out story, I found myself in a relationship where my intuition told me it was not a very good idea to go forward. I felt this right from the start, but I went ahead and got involved in the relationship anyway, feeling most miserable knowing, deep in my heart, that what I was doing was so very wrong for my soul. - Never accept any criterion that makes you miserable. -
Most of the time I spent with this man I felt guilty for several reasons and on many levels, but mostly because I was going against everything my heart knew was not right for me. I also chose to believe that because I thought I loved this person that going against my better judgement was justified. - Never accept any morality that makes you feel guilty. -
I was never my true self with this person, I never truly felt comfortable with him, I said things I didn't truly believe deep down inside because I wanted this relationship to really work out. Truth was everything in that relationship was far from being perfect, still, I chose to ignore the signs that told me to walk away. And even though I tried several times to call it quits, my insecurity and fear of being rejected or not loved drew me back time and time again to a relationship that would eventually starve me of self respect and suck the energy right out of me. -Never accept anything that is trying to enforce something upon you against your simple nature. -
My friends were so kind to me. Although many were most uncomfortable with the whole situation, they had faith that I would find my way out. They supported me, listened to me, let me cry on there shoulders, let me know that no matter what my decisions were in regard to this relationship they would always, ALWAYS, be there for me. When I finally came to my senses, wondering out loud to them, “Why had it taken me so long to clue in that it was such a wrong relationship for me to be in?” they said… “We knew that when you were ready you would recognize this and make the right choice for yourself.”
I allowed this man to take such a hold on me yet, I cannot help but give thanks for the lesson I learned from the experience... Just be yourself and you are perfect.
But, every now and again I relapse when I am feeling alone and lonely and think that maybe, just maybe I made a mistake by walking away… Then I think of Manhattan Beach.
The last time I visited this man we met in Manhattan Beach. That gnawing feeling that this relationship was not right for me was ever present, and as the weekend progressed I became more and more aware that I was prostituting myself for the sake of needing to be loved. O.K. prostitution may be a little harsh a description, but I believe when you go against your better judgement in return for affirmation on any level, be it for love or acceptance, you are somehow prostituting your true being. When I got back home from my visit, something inside me knew that I never wanted to put myself in that position ever again.
“When you’re really ill, you don’t even know a snake when you see one. Once recovery begins, you see a snake and you know it’s a snake, but you still play with it. Once you’ve landed in true recovery zone, you see a snake, you know it’s a snake, and you cross to the other side of the road.”
I refuse to blame others for my wrong decisions and take full responsibility for letting the relationship go on for the length of time that it did. In this case I know I am more ashamed of myself for going against my intuition, my better judgement, and for listening to that part of me who did not whole heartedly believe that I was worthy of much, MUCH more than that relationship!
Shortly after that California weekend, I embarked on my trip to Italy and it was there that I fully began to embrace the beautiful, strong, intelligent, creative, loving, woman that I truly am. It was also there I accepted that if I had any respect for myself, I had to end the relationship.
Now, when I start to have these relapses into the fear of being alone and being lonely. I quickly give my head a shake and think of Italy and how remarkable I felt when I was there and how liberated I allowed myself to be... and when I really start to drown in self pity and feel I want to call this man... I think of Manhattan Beach and how low I felt and the vow I made to NEVER slip that low ever again.
“Not every man knows how to handle a woman who is full of passion, glory, power, and intelligence. So what should we do? Shrink? Many, many women do… It is better to be alone than to be living at half throttle.” (Marianne Williamson – ‘A Woman’s Worth’)
Manhattan Beach is a city located in the southwest portion of Los Angeles County. It is a quaint community.
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