Laps in the Pitty Pool

The cable in our neighbourhood has been down these past couple of days. I live in a small community outside of Calgary that is ever growing. Houses are popping up left, right and centre and because of it, something is always under construction and some kind of service is usually disrupted. It gets a bit annoying but you deal with it.

Sometimes I get this overwhelming sadness that flows through me. Part of that’s hormones I’m sure and some of it is still the aftermath at the loss of Gary. I still have a hard time wrapping that whole experience around my mind, having said that, it is getting easier to pass through the sad moments and I take that as a good sign. I think the fact that I am going to finally release his ashes next week is also pressing on my mind. Yet another step forward in my life. I am learning that the process of letting go is not about forgetting or dismissing my past life. No, its more about honouring that life, appreciating it for what it was and using the love that came from it to guide me to the next stages of my life.

It amazes me how working out seems to release the sadness. Yesterday, I worked with CK and the exercise really does helps. Go figure eh Cheryl! Not to mention the fact that the whole time, we were talking about our idiosyncrasies, which I might add, are very similar, so much so that it is almost spooky! I mean pumpkin pie and whipped cream for breakfast, what’s so strange about that?!!!

Night before last, I heard my first Robin of the year singing a little evening lullaby. I love the sound a Robin makes. One year I remember one sat at the top of our chimney one morning, as I was getting ready for work. It was just singing away and its voice resonated down the chimney and throughout the house. It was such a joyful sound.

It has also been raining these past couple of days. Nothing like a good spring rain to wash away all the winter blues and give life to the dried out grass that’s making everything look so drab. Everybody seems quite relieved to see the rain. I guess we are all grateful it isn’t snow!

Much is changing in my life. I miss the way things use to be. My good friend JL is retiring soon. She and I have shared some wonderful and warm conversations. I will miss her when she is gone. Nick has an opportunity to work out in the field most of the summer and late into fall which results in making quite a bit of money. A most appealing proposition to a young man who left part of his heart in Australia and truly wants to return but needs money to do so. That means he will be gone, yet again, and just when I was getting use to his company. And still after 3 years, I deeply miss my soul mate. But, change is a part of life and there is an excitement to it and it challenges me to press onto new discoveries and new learnings. And deep down that is very appealing to me.

I make a point to appreciate all those that are in my life. Sometimes I do think that I take some things for granted or my fears keep me from fully expressing my true feelings. I am, for the most part, a “full out” person. I express a lot, give a lot and am passionate in my love towards others. I often expect reciprocation with that same enthusiasm but I think that more often than not it scares people away. Funny, CK is also like that and our question to each other yesterday was, “If someone came onto you like that, would you respond with the same zealousness?”

We both laughed and thought that we would probably not, that in fact, we would most likely run in the opposite direction!

Well, I guess that’s enough swimming in the pity pool for today. CK thinks I am a Goddess, E.D. agrees! How could life ever be sad when you have friends who think you are a Goddess?!

Yes, that me... Venus Goddess of Love and Beauty!

(chuckles to herself)