Create Your Own Constellation

I’m not sure when it started or how I learned the behaviour, but I pretty much grew up trying to get every last soul on the face of the earth to like me. I was so busy trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, that I missed out on developing who I was meant to be.

It isn’t part of our culture to accept someone who does not follow the expectations or norms of societies rules. There seems to be a feeling of safety when we run with the pack. “Individualism 101” was not on the list of courses available at the university I attended and only those who were brave enough to be rebellious understood the freedom of such a risqué endevour.

Now, here I am 6 days away from my 53rd birthday wondering who the hell am I. Sandra, daughter of Stewart and Shirley, sister to Dan, Ken, Carol and Catherine. Widow to Gary, mother to Nick… but really WHO AM I?

When my son was born, I almost lost my life. I remember laying in the bed wondering if I were dead or alive and once I realized I was actually alive, I said to myself… “Now, you must live!” When my husband died, my heart shattered into incredible tiny pieces. I remember visualizing them laying there on the ground, I said to myself… “Now you must pick them up and put them back together.” When I went to Italy by myself this past fall, I felt so totally empty inside. I remember sitting in the silence of the church in Radda in Chianti and thinking… “Now you must fill yourself up.” Recently I recognize I have been given a second chance to realize my full potential and I am saying… “Don’t let this opportunity pass you by!”

I think, if like me, you have given your true self up in return for wanting others to love you, or accept you, or for affirmation that you are good or ok or acceptable or to find some kind of self-definition, you one day hit the wall realizing that you have given yourself up in return for emptiness. It is at that point you either decide to acquaint yourself with your true being or you let the opportunity pass you by and go through the lesson all over again, and again, and again, and again...

I think I’ve had enough lessons. I read a line tonight; “Create Your Own Constellation” and I thought that was such an inspiring thought. The knowledge of your truth is always there, deep within you and you must have the courage to strip away the thick veneer of past years and experiences sometimes to get to the original creation. For some of us, it is hard work. It means facing hurts and pain that we have hidden deep within. Sometimes it means facing the fact that we have incredible talents and we must learn to trust in those talents. Sometimes it means that we have to accept that we are loveable and that validation of that fact must start within. It is not always easy and will take time and patience. It will mean going 5 steps ahead and falling 3 steps back but always, ALWAYS if you persevere, each day will become easier. It takes dreams and hopes and wishes and faith, and belief that anything is possible. And most of all it takes LOVE. Marianne Williamson in her book “A Return to Love” said, love is the only real thing… everything else is an illusion.

I have worked hard at stripping away that veneer these past three years and now, I want to create my own constellation, be a rebel, and move forward knowing that I don’t need to define myself through the acceptance of others. I AM loveable, I AM intelligent, I AM creative… I think we all are!

I love this line from Cat Stevens:

So on and on I go,
the seconds tick the time out,
there's so much left to know,
and I'm on the road to findout.

I don't think it is ever too late.

So how about it? Don’t you think it’s time for you to create your own constellation???


PS: Andrew, when I read your blog (http://dharmachef.blogspot.com/) this evening I felt very inspired to travel once again... AFRICA in November!