Low Self-Esteem

Yesterday, as was cleaning house, I found a box filled with my journals. I had forgotten just how many were in there. Normally I would write in my journal and when the book was filled, place it in the box never to be read again, but yesterday I started to read bits and pieces from them.

The writing was good but the spelling was atrocious. I have always been a person who has wanted to grow and expand in the understanding of life and the improvement of self. I am passionate, introspective and certainly emotional, at times to a fault and my writing certainly portrays this.

My journals only go back to 1991 but my struggle to become the best person I could be started when I was 20. I actually wanted to end my life but the attempt was not much of an effort and I realized that I really didn’t want to end my life so I said to myself. “Sandra, you have three choices, you can stay unhappy for the rest of your life, move forward and learn how to be happy or actually do it right and end your life.” For me, there was only one option and from that moment on I began to read every self-help book on the face of the planet.

My struggle with low self-esteem was a long and agonizing battle. My biggest enemy was emotional abuse which began at the hands and voice of my parents. I have long since forgiven my parents for how they brought up their family. My father was a man who believed if you scared your children enough they would always choose the right path. He often used mean words, tactics and a heavy hand to get us to do the things he felt were right. The philosophy was if you harden your children, then they will be protected from hurt. Well, perhaps that may be so but it also leaves deep wounds that take a lifetime to heal.

I understand that parenting is not an easy task. Perhaps more so for our parents than it is for us because now we have so many books, information and support groups to guide us to better parenting. It took me a long time to understand and forgive my parents for doing what they thought was best for their children. Nevertheless, the damage was done.

The problem with low self-esteem is that it stays with you long after you have left your family and home environment. You have become so accustom to living with this “illness” that you feel scared without it, so you take over the role of abuser yourself. You berate yourself, second-guess yourself, certainly don’t trust yourself and you continue to dig yourself into the pit of despair. But your heart knows this is not who you are and it aches for you to find your way to your rightful purpose.

Luckily for us, there are psychologists, self-help books, support groups, friends, and those that fall in love with our true spirit who come into our lives to help us believe that we are worthy of love and a happy ending. And if you are smart enough to recognize these people and willing enough to accept them into your life, you can lift yourself onto the road of healing.

I want to make a point here that it’s not just parents who help to create this low self-esteem. Gary and I smothered Nicholas in love and affection, teaching him he is a worthy soul, yet my son just recently told me he struggled with self-esteem himself. Children at school picked on him constantly because he was painfully shy and never interested in being in the spot light. My friend Roxanne just wrote about how her young daughter was harassed by young girls in her school which had her daughter question their behaviour and also question her own personality. There are so many contributing factors to low self-esteem.

Perhaps we are meant to go through a stage of self-doubt, perhaps it encourages us to look within for our strengths, perhaps it makes us stronger individuals, or tests our faith in God, I don’t know. Regardless, reading through my journals, I realized that my struggle was a long, painful and laborious one, and I wondered how I ever managed to get through it all, but I did.

There were and still are many people who believed in me, supported me, listened to me and loved me when I needed it the most. They saw the loving, compassionate, worthy me, long before I did. I also fought hard to dig myself from that bottomless low self-esteem pit. I knew I did not belong there and never let go of my desire to find my way home to my heart.

I still have my moments where I slip back to self pity and indulge myself to low days, but I recognize them as such and only allow myself to feel the misery for short periods at time for I know the dangers of beating up on yourself, of how easy it is to fall back into that pit of despair.

Life is about growing and leaning and expanding our heart and we must never stop our desire to be all that we can be, trust in our inner knowledge and support ourselves every moment of the day. And when we reach that point of embracing and loving our true being than we must be the best of that person at all times (and this will come naturally with time, I can say this from experience), we must be an example to the world and not only an example but a teacher and supporter to those who are still struggling to get out from that pit.

Low self-esteem is a disease as in Dis-Ease of body, mind and soul. It hits more people then we realize and disables them in many ways. We must remember to be kind and loving to all those that we meet for no matter how cranky, ignorant or rude someone may be, they were all born with a loving and innocent heart that cries out to be acknowledged.

Showing and sharing your heart only helps to soften and open the hearts of others.