The Circle Game

Nick in Australia 2004

I have been lecturing Nicholas much these days about being an adult. Not in a nagging sense, more in a teaching sense. What is most hopeful is that he seems to be ready to listen. He is very close to me these days, asking for advice, explaining his reactions or questions as if it were important for me to understand him and I have been more patient with him and try to explain things in a way that he understands; understands that these are important life lessons that need to be learned. I reminded him that he once said that his father died without teaching him the things he needed to know, that I was now trying to teach him those things so that when I go he won’t utter the same words about me. We are both reaching out to one another and I am so glad that I am focusing on helping him find his way in this world, especially without his father.

Having said that, some days it wears me down some. For Nick is quite a stubborn young man, you might even call him block headed and there are times where I'd like to leave him to find his own way! But, I love him and I look at it this way, we chose to have Nicholas, and in choosing to bring him into the world we have chosen to dedicate a part of our lives to make him the best person he can be. And even if his father is not here, it makes it even more important for me to help him find balance and direction in his life.

I have always taken my responsibility as his parent, and more so his guardian to lead him to the place where he can take over on his own, quite seriously. He seems to be more open of my purpose in his life than he has ever been which makes that job doubly important. Besides, I’m here and what else would there be for me to do but to be the best mother and friend for him? The first time he was placed in my arms I felt that he was meant to do good in this world.

I needed to find myself before I could teach him to do the same… luckily I have had the opportunity to realize this and fulfill my loving purpose to my child.

Above anything he is the most important person in my life. To love someone that deeply is a most remarkable feeling and a great privilege. And although the experience of being Nick's Mom has been trying at times, it has also been most rewarding and I would not have missed the experience for anything in the world.

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Yesterday a child came out to wonder

Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

And tearful at the falling of a star

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons

Skated over ten clear frozen streams

Words like, when you’re older, must appease him

And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game.

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now

Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town

And they tell him,Take your time, it won’t be long now

Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty

Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true

There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty

Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return, we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

*****

Joni Mitchell