A Mother's Letter to her Son

Dear Son,

Mother’s day is coming up and I just wanted to write you a note to tell you what it is like to be your Mom. I will try to be as honest as possible and as much as it is fearful to write this, I will try to overcome this fear.

I have always enjoyed your company. You have a remarkable sense of humour and such a compassionate heart. You are brave to have survived your Father’s death and you are very intuitive and smart in areas that a great deal of people are not blessed to have such knowledge or wisdom.

I have told you often that the first time I saw you and your Dad asked if I wanted to hold you I hesitated. Daddy was so concerned about this that he spoke to a psychologist about it. He was afraid I didn’t want you. Imagine Dad asking for a psychologist for help?! I often laugh softly to myself when I think on it.

I was petrified to hold you and accept you as part of my life because this meant I had to be responsible for someone other than myself and I wasn’t really being that responsible for my own life. It also meant I had to love you, and I was scared to death to do that because it meant all sorts of things to me. It meant I had to love someone unconditionally and I wasn’t even sure I knew how to love myself let alone this helpless beautiful baby. It also meant that if I loved you that there was a possibility that you would hurt me because in my world when someone loved you, they either went away or they hurt you. So I think that I held back some and never really gave you my 100% love although my love for you was so great, no one but me knew that I was holding back that small piece of myself.

Before you were born I promised you and your Dad that I would break the chain of emotional abuse that Grandpa had passed down through his family and I think that I did a fairly decent job of keeping that promise. For the longest time I never called you an idiot even if it was joking and pounced on Daddy if he said it to you when he got angry or frustrated with you. I never wanted to be the one who made you feel lesser of a human being.

Both Daddy and I indulged you. But I think because I never wanted to be a bad mother or never wanted you to not like me I probably indulged you more. You never wanted for anything and most of the time you always got what you asked for and when you didn’t it was because you really did not earn the privilege to.

I have often told you that I don’t have expectations of you. Well that’s not being completely honest. I have many expectations of you. I expect you to be a respectful human, I expect you to respect me, love me and treat me kindly. I expect you to respect yourself and always do your best at all the things and know you are capable at achieving anything you choose. I expect you to love and cherish all that is yours in life.

Nothing you do in this life is wrong. It is just a choice with a consequence. It was my wish and desire that I teach you to make the best choice or a choice of least resistance when it came to choices, so that you would not have to struggle in this life.

When you do not live up to the expectations I have of you, those I have written above, somehow I feel I have failed you and myself. You in not teaching you well, me in not being a good Mother. But I never stop loving you.

I have learned though that I made the best choice that I had at the time for each decision I made on your behalf as a child and I must accept that to be true and pray that it did not harm you in any way.

When your Father died and we both lashed out at each other I think that was the most hurtful part of the whole experience of his death. You shut me out of a part of you and I found that terribly hurtful. And although we may react differently to his death, you and I were hurting the same and unwilling to reach out to each other for comfort. So I tried to compensate by indulging you again. your year's trip to Australia, school, money, turning the other cheek when you lashed out at me or refused to help me when I asked for help.

But I take responsibility for your actions, the disrespect, the treatment you give me sometimes when you are angry or hurt. I should have put my foot down years ago and I did not for many different reasons. You see, I expected you to know better, to treat me well because I was your mother and that somehow automatically meant that I should be treated with love and respect. I was wrong.

I know you love me and I know you love me dearly. You have your own reasons for treating me the way you do sometimes, for resisting when I ask you to do things, or not living up to all of my expectations. You once said to me "I have an agenda Mom, it's just not yours". Well I'm sure that is the same for expectations, you have your own expectations of yourself and they may not be the same as mine. I have come to realize that you have to fight your own demons and live your own life according to the choices that you believe to be right for you at the time.

I can’t say that being your Mother has been easy. I would have to say it is the single most worry and cause of stress in my life. Please notice I said “it”, “it” being the privilege of being your Mother, not you personally. Perhaps holding onto our discomforts with each other is the only way we can get through you becoming and adult and both of us still wanting you to stay a child. If that makes sense. It is a fearful transition becoming an adult both for the child and the parent.

So before Mother’s day I would like to tell you of my desires in regard to our relationship. I would like you to acknowledge sometimes that I have done a good job, that you are proud of me and proud to call me your mother. That you recognize that I work hard and try my best to keep the household as stable and unchanged as possible so that you can deal with the monumental changes in your life in an easier manner. For to be sure these have been tough times emotionally for both you and I.

My wish in regard to you is to see you take your life more seriously and know and believe that you make a difference in this world, even if it is befriending someone who desperately needs a friend at a time and you are there for them. You do that very well and it always makes a difference in this world even if you don’t know it at the time.

My desire is for you to believe you have the capability of making wise choices given the experiences you have had through your 23 years. To respect who you are and give yourself more credit than you have recently as a survivor and someone who has the capacity to sore to heights unknown.

I know that you are a man now and have to make your own decisions, but I will always be your Mother. I will always ride you or correct you when I believe you are wavering off the path. But I will also, always be there if you need me, even if I am a million miles away for you see, my love for you has always been solid and true and it envelops you wherever you go and whatever you do. Lean on it when you need it for Son, it is the most valuable thing I have to give you.

What you do does not define who you are as a person, but how you live your life does. I only ask of you that you live your life fully and with gratitude and appreciation. The rest will fall into place if you choose it to do so.

I love you always and beyond

Mom.