ADDICTION

Are you addicted to something?

One of the definitions for addiction is as follows:

“The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.”

I have prided myself in the fact that I am not a drinker, nor do I take drugs, nor do I drink much coffee nor do I gamble. I am not addicted to anything.

Really?

How about shopping? Do you shop when you are upset? Does shopping make you feel better? Clothes shopping for me makes me feel immensely better when I am low or upset about something.

Do you eat to feel better? I mean really when we see a woman going for a container of ice cream when she is feeling emotionally down (you know like in a movie or t.v. program) we can all relate to how she feels and why she is dipping her spoon into the Haagen Dazs!

Sleep is an addiction, so is working, both at the end of the spectrum of addictions that are out there.

When I broke off the relationship with the fellow I was going out with I knew I was going to have a rough time, because I had tried ending the relationship before and failed. I likened it to a drug addict, that's how addicted I was to having someone in my life.

Do you know being alone is one of the most frightening things on the face of the earth? Or at least it is for me. And this is where addictions come from. They are all fear based. Fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, fear of being loved or of loving, you get my point.

Recently I watched the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know” and one of the things in that movie that struck me was the idea that if we could overcome our emotional addictions we would be well on our way to living a stress free life.

Simple as that.

Or is it?

I have been struggling this weekend about being alone. Resistance of a sorts. Seems the more I dwell on that fear the more fearful I become.

Yet there is a part of me that so wants to just be alone. A part of me that wants to be quiet within. I feel the strength I have within and I want so much to embrace it and stand out there on my own.

Have you ever been so focused on something that you lose all track of time? You don’t hear what’s going on around you, you are just there in that moment, alone and doing whatever it is that has interested you enough to break away from the world? I think this is when we are our most fearless, most creative, most alive and living. This is the place I want to be all the time in my life.

When I was with my mom yesterday I told her, that since Gary’s death my life has felt so chaotic. That in fact, I had made it so because a part of me did not want to accept that the life we had planned together was no longer going to continue. It’s as if I have been fighting this, denying it, and not wanting to move forward because I was angry about it all. Sort of a statement to the universie that I felt it wasn’t fair and damn if I’m going to accept it!

Smiles… but the truth is I know by resisting that truth, I am not allowing my life to move forward and deep in my heart I know I must. I know this because I have hit a wall and feel like crap! Yes you heard me CRAP!

My friend E.D. has suggested this yoga class for me. It is more about quieting the mind than it is about exercising and wearing the right yoga pants to class. She has mentioned this class to me often and now I know I am ready to be present there. C.K. has found a kindred spirit in me (as I her) and has encouraged me to keep in touch with her. Our lives seem to be following a similar path (especially in the need to grow category) and we both know we have lots to learn from and give to each other. And my neighbour Pat has offered to help me clean up and re-organize my garden. I know that working in my garden has brought me great peace in the past. I have neglected it since Gary's death, like I have neglected to nourish the garden of my soul by not stopping to be quiet and at peace.

I think the healing starts when you accept… accept the circumstances of your life and be grateful that you still have time to make the best of what is left.

Thank God for the many angels in my life, who have so much patience with me.