Fancy that!!!

My chaotic dresser... as chaotic as the rest of my house!

Do your days feel chaotic at times? Yes? (great sigh of relief) good cause so do mine. Some days I wake up and have these grand plans to wash the floor, do multitude loads of laundry and dust and clean and cut the lawn and… end up doing nothing at all. For those of you who have kids, well, there is all that AND driving the kids around or participating in their fun.

Saturday afternoons use to be movie afternoons for Nick and I. Gary use to work quite a few Saturdays and so I would load Nick into the car, do my grocery shopping and errands, head back home by noon and make us lunch, do a few chores around the house then around two o’clock I’d make a big bowl of popcorn and off Nick and I would go to watch a movie. That was so much fun.

Now Nick goes to movies on his own or with friends and on Saturday at 2:00 pm he is usually still in bed because he came in early Saturday from a very late Friday evening. But every now and again like last night, he asks me if I want to watch a movie with him. And so last night, we did. Comfort for our souls I think.

Do you believe in Angels? I have a story for you.

After four years of dealing with the fallout of Gary’s death I am still in a quandary. Breaking the relationship off with MP was heart wrenching for me, even though in my heart I knew it was the right thing, and I have been doing a little “feeling sorry” dance for myself. I never asked for all this to happen to me and at times I feel it just wasn’t fair, I mean we had it all planned, Gary and I and growing old together… Now I have to start this whole life all over again as if I were starting from 14 (only with all this life-time knowledge). Sometimes the whole thought of it all is rather overwhelming to say the least. Then people tell you to move on, get over it, he’s dead, yadayadayada…

So yesterday I had this remarkable experience. I had gone to “Knickers and Lace” a outstanding lingerie store in Willow Park. (Those of you who live in Calgary will know where this is.) I had gone there to pick up a bra I had ordered (as I am rather large and my firmness is not what it use to be so I cannot find a proper fitting bra at your local Wal-mart). It is an extremely busy place as there are few shops like this in Calgary and we women are finally realizing that it’s time to take the breast by the cup, so to speak. Unfortunately, the manufacturers and shops are not quite up to step with our demand so I found myself standing in a line up waiting to get the darn thing fitted (they will even alter the bra at no charge if need done).

Anyway, I was watching this sales woman rushing around, she was dressed sassy-like, walked in style and just had this flair of confidence about her. Yet, she was rather intimidating. I thought I would like to know her but also thought I’m not sure I wanted her to be my salesperson. As it happened she called my name and together we headed to the dressing room.

She handed me the bra I had ordered and said she’d be back to see how it fit. It did not fit well and so she said she had some ideas and brought back a bra and told me to try it on. She was handling about three other people running from dressing room to stock and back. When she got back to me we began to talk. Turned out she had lost her husband when she was 35. They had been married for 10 years and had a remarkable marriage. She looked like she was in her mid to late 40’s and so had been without a husband for more years than I. In-between fittings and other customers she managed to tell me that she also had made up her mind to live life fully after her husband passed away, that she stopped worrying about what others thought of her and just started doing the things she always wanted to do. She became stronger and more willing to trust in herself and her intuition. We talked about dating and she told me that there are a lot of insecure men out there and they are usually attracted to strong women like "us" and she warned me to beware. She told me she ended up trusting one and actually considered getting married to him until she found out he had been fooling around on her. “Don’t get me wrong,” she said to me, “I’m not man bashing, but there are not too many men like my husband or your husband out there. But I still believe in my heart that they exist.” We both agreed though that we cherish our independence and she said to me that our survival has made us stronger but to many that is intimidating (especially to men). I kind of liked that somewhat. Not that I get off on intimidating men but more in the fact that it confirmed or validated my thoughts that women are really the stronger sex, we just let men think they are. And that’s ok, also.

I also said I still have waves of sorrow at losing Gary. She told me she thought that this never goes away and in some way I found that comforting. We had tears in our eyes when we talked about our marriage and before I left she said to me, "Your just like me, don't worry you will be fine. I look at you and see at 54 you are a surviour and this inspires me to carry on as well." I smiled and told her thank you for saying so.

By the time I left, I had this remarkable fitting bra (of which I ordered another one in black), had made a friend and in the short conversation I had with Mary, knew that I was on the right track in terms of where my life was going. I think she was an angel that came to my rescue just when I needed her!

A perfect fit!

I often think of that feather in the movie “Forest Gump”, it just blows in the wind, it lands and settles for awhile in a place, then the wind picks it up again to other places, other adventures. I feel like that feather, I also think that Mary is one of those feathers as well.

I was reading some stuff about Mike Dooley www.inspirationpeak.com/interviews/mikedooley.html the other day and one of the things he talked about was how he had started a scrapbook on his dreams and what he wanted in his life. He said he had a hard time believing in the concept of putting your dreams out there and they would soon come true but after about two years he found that much of what he had put in his scrapbook was beginning to come to fruition. Fancy that!

I have a scrapbook like that from many years ago, but I really didn’t believe in it until I started looking at it. There on one of the pages was a cute little summer dress, blue with white poka-dots. I realized that I have a dress just like that hanging in my closet that I had bought three years ago. Fancy that!

So I have started up a new scrapbook, or really I have just continued the old one actually. I have cut out pictures and sayings from magazines that represent my dreams and thoughts and I am going to make them all happen. One such thing is a picture of a beach in some country and I remember when I cut it out (awhile back because I just thought it looked cool), I thought "I wonder where this is?" The caption on the photograph was “Experience the world of excitement and adventure.” I have always struggled with having a goal or a purpose to work toward, when I read this the other day as I was gluing it into my scrapbook I realized that this was my goal, to experience the world of excitement and adventure! This is what I have always wanted to do, even as a young girl. I remember at an early age thinking, “God made this big beautiful planet for a reason and it certainly wasn’t to stay in one place and never explore it.”

I will travel it all, explore it all and not for myself, but I will do it for all those who are afraid to or are unable to for whatever reason they have!!!!!

But for now, I need to wash my kitchen floor, vacuum the living room and clean out the winter refuse from my garden.

Sunny and dare I say… up to 18C today here in Calgary and outter areas, girls and boys. Hope it is a deliciously warm and sunny day wherever you are.