Free Falling

Bears of Vancouver Island photo take 2006

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
~Kahlil Gibran~

Today I formally told my friend that I was ending our relationship. I am not use to doing that, usually I am the one who is being told the sad news. I would have to say that it is just as painful to end a relationship as it is to be told that it has ended. I feel deeply for my friend, for he truly is a friend and I am so sad in my heart. But, it was not meant to be at this time. My friend helped me open up parts of myself I was unable to see or touch on my own. He set me free in many ways and I am eternally grateful to him for that, and told him so. We have known each other for many years and became quite intimate in the last few years, but his idea of a relationship was very much different than mine and I knew in my heart because of this, had we committed the rest of our lives to each other, that one or the other or both of us would have become terribly disgruntled and possibly ended the relationship in a less friendlier fashion. I will miss you MP but you will always be there in my heart. I am so sorry.

“I wanted a perfect ending…
Now, I’ve learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious ambiguity.”
~Gilda Radner~

I am now officially “Free Falling”. No safety net here, no man on the sideline, it’s just me on my own. Now my friends have felt it has just been me on my own for quite some time now and perhaps they are right for the relationship I had with my male friend was over a distance of almost 2000 miles. But there was always the phone or email when I needed some assistance in regard to an opinion or advice (of which, when I think on it, was not given often for my friend believed you must work your problems out on your own). Regardless, I thought I had a safety net in his company and really I was fooling myself to be sure.

Not many people jump from airplanes, I mean why would you tempt fait? Some people choose to be in a relationship that is unhappy because they can’t stand the thought of being alone. I loved the relationship I had with my husband. My friends felt that the long distant relationship I was in often made me feel unhappy. These are friends I have known for almost twenty years and I would have to say they know me very well. Their comment to me is why would you (me) settle for anything less than the happiness you felt when you were with your husband?

Still, letting go and trusting in God or the universe to give to you all you need is pretty scary. I am such a romantic and I have certainly had to adjust to the reality that life is not always fairytale or what you percieve it should be. And not to dissolution anyone who is a firm believer in the "Secret", I do so believe life can be all that you want it to be and you can choose how you live and how you love and are loved in return. But the reality is some poems don't rhyme, and life isn't always perfect but isn't that what makes it challenging and exciting to live?

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
~Erica Jong~

Gary was terrified of bears, from when he was a little boy. One day we were discussing why he would not go hiking and he told me about his fear, but then he added, "If we did go hiking and we ran into a bear then I would take the bear for you." Not that I think Gary's life was any less valuable than mine, it was just the thought that touched my heart.

If I was to choose in the future, I know I want a man who would take the bear for me, and yes, I believe love is worth fighting for, being brave for and risking everything for.

I would rather stay single the rest of my life then to settle for anyone who didn't believe the same.