Owner of a Broken Heart

It has been raining all weekend. Finally the moisture that never came throughout the winter and spring has finally arrived.

My brother called me yesterday to tell me that he was coming out my way (an hour and a half car drive) to help me fix all the little things that needed fixing in my bathrooms that I was having trouble with. A leaky faucet, a clogged shower drain, a faulty toilet thingy not working. He fixed them all and I am so very grateful. Thank you Ken! He also brought his guitar and played Nicholas and I a lot of tunes to both our delight. My brother has been playing guitar since he was 9. From there he taught himself to play the fiddle, mandolin and various other stringed instruments not to mention the penny flute, juice harp and spoons. One summer he took his fiddle and bike and made his way through Ireland playing Celtic music. Ken has always been the middleman in our family, trying always to keep peace with the politics that goes on with 5 siblings. He’s a pretty cool guy.

This seems to be the weekend of giving consolation and of listening for me.

My sister Catherine has a very high paying, high pressure job. She must play a lot of politics and deal with a lot of garbage and more times than not, she isn’t quite comfortable with this. It is hard to turn away from a high paying job but sometimes you have to realize that the price for doing so is worth it, the price being your health and sanity. For Cath, some days are harder than other days and this Friday evening was one of those days where it just wasn’t worth it for her. We talked for almost 2 hours on the phone, something my sister and I rarely do. But it was such a positive and soulful talk. I guess when we do talk we make up for lost time.

One thing I have learned since Gary’s death is that it really is true about setting your priorities. Your health is the first priority, your level of joy, in my mind, should be second, for without those two you can never really be 100% for your family, which should be tied for first and second on the list. It is not always easy to change your situation but I think that to achieve a level of happiness, we really must make choices. Sometimes hard choices. And maybe it is easy for me to say since my life experiences have allowed me to see things through a different telescope then many around me. I tried to point out to my sister that sometimes sacrificing some material goals is worth it in the end. At this point she understands this to be true, but is not quite prepared to make that next step. I understand completely. It isn’t easy to let go of some things. Nevertheless I was glad to be there for my sister when she needed someone to vent to, and that is a very important part of being a sister.

Then, last evening I spent it consoling my neighbours daughter M.R.

M.R. is this loving, compassionate, beautiful young woman of 20. She finally found, what she believed to be that “someone special”. For two months they spooned and cooed at each other like love birds and were hardly apart. Then this past week he called her on the phone to tell her that he just didn't feel his feelings were growing for her. (The fellow got scared that he was falling in love is what I suspect.) This shattered M.R.’s heart into tiny little pieces.

Now M.R., in these past few years, has been a blessing to me. She is a very smart, 3.9 grade university, Science major. She is also a very wise and tender loving soul and she and I have shared some very beautiful conversations in the past that have often helped get me through the pain of my own shattered heart. It was the least I could do to sit with her last evening as she poured out her sorrow while going through the whole scenario of her two month relationship.

What M.R. could not understand, and it is a question that other women of kindred spirit often ask is, “Why does a man run away from a woman who is filled with so much love to give?” This is a very good question and those of us who have asked that question several times over a broken heart know that it is because men fear two things. The first thing they fear is the emotion of love for they have, most of them, been taught that as a man you must be tough. So feeling that mushy, warm, tender, coming home feeling, scares them half to death, let alone the thought to reciprocate it! The second thing they fear is commitment. The responsibility of owning those emotions and when in love, being responsible for the caring of someone else’s loving emotions. Timing and maturity are other factors to be sure but I think when all is said and done the first two are the truest reasons. “Why would he hold me and tell me he needs me? How could he be so tender and loving every day for that length of time and tell me he has feelings for me and then the next day say that those feelings don’t exist?” M.R. says through her tears.

It is hard for a woman to not question that it had anything to do with her, for she will go over the scenario of a relationship time and time again wondering at what point did she do something to change that man’s mind. But in the end, if you have a loving, tender heart, it has nothing to do with what you said or did or didn't do, for all you gave was your uncondtional love and the other person was just not ready to receive it or was just not the right person to receive it. And the fact that M.R. is 20, I suspect in her case, both statements fit that bill.

Sometimes we just have to have faith that God or the Universe will provide for us. To let go and believe that there is a plan for all things to unfold naturally. It happens out their in the forest, on the plains of the Serengeti, in the jungles of the Amazon and the depths of the oceans. Nature takes its course and no flower or insect or animal, fish or bird questions it. They just flow with the moment and embrace what God, nature or the universe has to give them. For us, well, that seems to take a great leap of faith, but once taken, the beauty and joy that follows is indescribable. It is a feeling of pure truth and comfort.

It is our nature to open up to the wonders of God and the universe, yet we (humans) resist it more times than not. Even I have to practice letting go and surrendering to the bigger plan.

Rain is cleansing. Rain is refreshing. Rain is the drink that quenches the thirst of all that is growing. Sometimes we need a little rain to clean the dust that has accumulated in our hearts and souls.

Cheer up M.R. Like it says in the book... "Let the rain do your crying for awhile."

I’m off to do my Sunday laundry.