Well, I know, it has been a long time hasn’t it? I have been working through a few things lately and when I feel settled, will sit down and write all about it.
Since the death of Gary I have been a work in progress. Sorting out personal issues, growing, learning, evolving.
Tomorrow I am inviting a “Personal Home Organizer” into my home to help me get rid of much junk and things that are no longer useful to me. In her note she asked that I did not try to do anything around the house before she came, that it would give her a better feel for my character. I started to look around and thought “holy smokes this place is a disaster area!” There are things everywhere. Being as sentimental as I am I just can’t seem to let go of much. But I can’t help thinking about Ecclesiastes 3:1 “a time to keep and a time to cast away” and “a time to morn and a time to dance.” I not only think it is time to cast away but it is also a time to dance.
I will write more about my house re-organizing experience in future entries for sure. I believe it will be an adventure worth writing about!
I am also struggling with emotions I feel for a male friend I have known for awhile now. I don't believe I am ready for a full time relationship right now. Losing your mate is a horrific experience and many women I have spoken to who’s situation is similar to mine feel this great need to find another mate to fill that empty void. And indeed I know just how they feel for the emptiness of the loss is so overwhelming at times. it is unbearable. For me, love with my husband was a beautiful thing, it was love at first sight and the ribbon of love we shared floated between us every moment of the day. I’m not sure I will find something as rare and wonderful as that again nor will I settle for anything less than that.
When I was in Italy on my own for seven weeks it was not only a cathartic experience but it was a most liberating one as well. I am discovering a beautiful side of myself that I believe I want to nurture and grow and most certainly embrace. I want to fill the void that opened so wide when Gary died, with this remarkable woman I am discovering and I want to explore the world through her perspective. I want to feel whole on my own. I want to fill the empty space with more of me and learn to be complete on my own. I have faith that God will provide for me whatever it is I need to be all that I can be.
Three weeks ago I started a Yoga class. After my second class I read my friend Stephanie’s journal about how she feels about yoga(see: http://tifty.wordpress.com/2006/07/12/yogawesome/ ) I know what she is talking about. There is something about feeling present in the moment.
There is no past or future there is only now. This is a hard concept to embrace but I can tell you this, when I am focusing on my yoga movements, there is no other thought and it is in that moment I feel more at home than any other place I have ever been.
I am a work in progress. A flower growing, blooming and losing pedals, only to grow and bloom again and again and again.
Note to E.D.: Nick and I went to see the Peaceful Warrior tonight. Not as good as the book but good nevertheless.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Everytime I stop by here I leave feeling so inspired. There truy is a season for everything, and maybe the idea to be in the present in the moment is universal.
Yay for yoga! I keep telling my husband he needs to come with me and try it sometime. He might.
I love how you said the ribbon of love we shared floated between us every moment of the day. Such beautiful imagery.
hi sandy,
i think the worst thing a person can do is find a new person to fill the void spaces. when that happens, we're looking to them to do something for us, and when that fails, things fall apart.
i admire what you're doing--finding out who sandy is and what sandy likes. i believe that's one of the things God wants for us--to discover us. we have so much that's inside of us, and sometimes we're so busy with life that we don't take the time to find these things out.
i've been a widow for 20 yrs now, and still waiting on God for my mate. but until then, i'm still growing and learning things about myself. i've also learned about what's important in life, and what's not so important.
i look forward to re-marrying and sharing my new self with someone. i had a good marriage before, and i think this one will be even better because i'm better. but it's taken God in my life and all of these years to get me to this place.
it doesn't have to take 20 yrs for someone else to find what they're looking for. i wasn't interested in re-marrying for the first 10 yrs, and the last 10 yrs have been my growth and discovery and re-discovery period.
i enjoy reading your comments and appreciate your honesty and willingness to be so open. will be back again to visit.
sylvia
Hi Sandy, I can remember when I was seeing my counselor after my husband died and I asked her how long did the pain last? She told me it's different for everyone. For some, it's a year but for others up to 3 years. Well, I found for me it was 5 years before I thought that I could actually stand to live. Since then I've been searching for "me." I found me now! And it's been 14 years next month. So just keep taking it day by day. You're an awesome writer, Sandy. And, Sylvia fancy meeting you over here! HI!
Thanks for all your kind comments. I'm blushing.
Sandy
Post a Comment