Residue of an old life still linger

When I was in Italy, I just felt like a free soul. I was living in an element that was comfortable to me. I even felt that I could have truly settled into an artists life had I stayed there. Tuscany is an inspirational place to be. Italy has an ambience about it that is suited for creativity, thought and a freedom of soul. That is what I felt in Italy. I didn’t have any restrictions there; I pushed myself to my limits and was able to pick up on the valuable, positive, energies of many of the people I met. I felt free in Italy.

Now, having said that, yes, Italy was an idealistic environment and in truth, unreal in the sense that it was a vacation after all. But when I got back from Italy, my senses were honed in some way. It was like many things became clear to me. I am more cognizant of the people around me and their emotions but I am not letting their fear or angst in any more. I view it all from this calm place within… I’m not sure I can explain it clearly enough. I have always had this intuitive insight into people, but in Italy, it became more refined, I think mainly because I didn’t have to fill my mind with the cloudiness of home life.

I think that I am not comfortable in suburban\corporate settings. But for now it pays the rent until I can discover what direction I want to go in from here. And truly I haven’t really felt that great passion for anything, nothing has moved me enough to motivate me that I would drop what I am doing, yet, everything I do I feel passionate about (even my job and suburban living have their joyful times).

I think that when I read something or learn something new that I think has some value to it; it takes me a bit to assimilate it into my life. I am just beginning to embrace my strengths and talents fully, I find my ego fighting for survival and so there is a bit of wrestling going on between my need to move forward and accommodate change, and my fear in taking the next step. Sometimes that takes me away from the joys of my life because I find it so damn frustrating, but for the most part I am joyful about life. I think lately maybe the frustration has been a little more intense because of what I felt in Italy and my urgent desire to move on.

Yes, I am somewhat angst indeed for I am eager to move on, but often, life is about learning how to be quiet and patient and I know that this is one lesson that I always seem to resist. The one thing that gave me the greatest peace when I was in Italy was not making any plans and just going with the flow.

There is change coming in my life. I also know I am the only one who can take the steps to move forward and will do so when I am ready…. I seem to have this ongoing relationship with resistance. My spirit knows that surrender is my freedom; my head just isn’t there yet.

I think that for me, I am just trying to hold onto what I felt in Italy and incorporate it into the world here and then find some kind of balance between the two. Sometimes I feel wobbly about it, other times I feel a great strength in the knowing that I am at a space in my life where things are wonderful and filled with possibilities and opportunities.

La Penisola, Radda in Chianty, Tuscany, Italy