A New Challenge Is Near

Sometimes I have found myself in unhealthy situations. My insecurities and fears have held me there even though I knew that a core part of me just wasn’t comfortable with the circumstance.

We all have a line between what we know is right for us and what makes us feel content within our heart, and what personally feels wrong and makes us unhappy. Recently I ended a relationship I had not felt at ease with for a very long time. This meant severing a long-term friendship, which in the end was hurting me, more than I allowed myself to acknowledge. I wanted this relationship to work out for many reasons. My friend is brilliant, funny, and passionate and I enjoyed his company. But emotionally I always felt empty after I had been with him. There was this feeling for me, that something was amiss and I knew this right from the start but refused to believe my intuition because I had expectations and dreams about this situation that I hoped would come true.

One person’s definition of love is not necessarily the same as another’s and in this circumstance with my friend; it was indeed, the case. I wanted more than my friend was willing to give. I was willing to give more than my friend was able to accept. And I think that I was willing to settle for a lot less than I was worth because I wanted my friend to fit into my dream.

I also hate being alone. I wanted to share my life with someone so much that I was willing to settle for a percentage of unhappiness just to fulfill that desire. It was this fear that kept me hanging in as long as I did. Certainly this was an unhealthy situation to be in.

People often do things for the wrong reason. They stay in an unhappy marriage for the children… in the end the children get hurt anyway. They stay in a job that they are never really satisfied with. Some do it out of principle, some out of fear, some out of lethargy. But how much of our life is wasted in making excuses for our lack of courage to move forward with our life?

For me, not only was I unwilling to be a coward any longer, I just didn’t want to stay in a situation that wasn’t making me feel happy 100%.

I have so many remarkable friends and my family that love me and enjoy hanging out with me. How could I possibly be lonely? I have talents and abilities that allow me to flourish.

My son said to me, “Mom, you depended on Dad for such a long time. You need to be strong and learn how to stand on your own. You have to embrace your independence!” He is right.

January 1st seems to be our point of reference to start a new. “A new challenge is near”, was the line I read on a Chinese fortune cookie.

I look at 2006 as my “walking across the threshold year”. There’s no looking back for me at that point, and if I do look back, it is of fond memories that encourage me to move forward. I have been loved... no, loved well, in the past. I am loved this moment and it is that love that carries me into the next moment.

I am most grateful to all the people who have touched my heart this past year. I wish you all health, happiness and peace in the New Year and may your “new challenge” carry you into great life adventures.

Cheers
Sandy


PS:

MP thanks for all you gave that helped me to here. I wish you one day find the courage to set yourself free and love.