In 48 hours I will be on a plane to London. I have never been to London and I’m afraid I will only be there for 8 hours before I board another plane to Kenya.

I have pretty much got everything packed and up until today I was doing very good in the nerves department. Then I opened my mail today and there was a traffic ticket in the envelope for $265 CDN for running a red light. It was one of those camera lights and I know that this one does not always work well because my friend GB and I go by that camera every morning and every afternoon on our way to and from work. We have even witnessed it flashing when no one was around. We joke that perhaps they just snap it and hope that someone is in the way of the camera so that they can fine them. I am pretty careful about not running red lights, I run the odd yellow but I know the dangers of being careless on the road, and especially how dangerous it is to run a red light. So I am going to go to the courts and fight the ticket because I believe that I might have run the yellow, but I know I did not run the red.

Regardless, it kind of took me off guard this ticket and up until that point I was feeling pretty assured that I was capable of taking on the world. The thought of taking on the courts rather humbled me and then it flooded over me. My fear, the fear of flying, my fear of going to a country where the culture is so totally different from mine. Fear of getting a disease, fear of eating bad food or drinking tainted water and getting very ill, fear of seeing the children in the orphanage with very little in their lives and me with so much. Fear that I won’t want to leave, fear that I might never go back. I feared that perhaps something might happen to me and Nick would be left alone, and my biggest fear, that something might happen to Nicholas when I was gone. Fear froze me in that moment and in that spot.

I decided to get changed and walk the dog and perhaps walk this fear away. On went the earphones, walking clothes and running (or in this case walking) shoes. I was having a very hard time and was trying to talk myself out of the state I was in and then a song came on my mp3 player. A song by India Arie, not only did the song help me shift my state of mind, it inspired me. Here are the words…

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long,
but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith,
It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found,
I foundStrength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found,
I found Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart
I know thatAnything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.
Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday
I'm praying for:
Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of meI found it in me,
I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

Sometimes we lose faith in our own strength, courage and wisdom, sometimes we have to be reminded that we should never lose faith.

So, with less than 48 hours to go I am ready. I am fearless and I am a total wreck!!!!! But I know I am going to be just fine and will have many stories to tell when I get back.