A Crossroad

I stand at a crossroad. A time in one’s life where decisions have to be made. What do I choose, what road do I follow on the next step of my journey?

I have given birth to a loving child, and experienced the death of my beloved spouse. I have found courage in each. Courage to move forward, to take the next step. Sometimes questioning the reason, sometimes not.

Sometimes I could see the purpose to my existence so clearly. My family to provide for, a lover to wake up to, my child to teach. Sometimes I gave more of myself than I had and other times I took more than I should without a single thought for another soul.

I have tested my many characteristics and attempted to make my dreams and desires come alive. I have spent a great deal of my life fearful and yet encouraged myself to be as adventurous as my courage would allow, each time becoming more courageous in the experience of each adventure. I have been braver then some, less courageous than many.

I have been fortunate enough to have loved more than once, and have been loved by many. I have embraced my sensuality, tested it, flaunted it, and flirted with it, and still walk with grace and dignity.

Some decisions I have made I am ashamed of and others I am proud of. Some were made in haste, some with mindfulness. Others were made out of fear and ignorance and others still, were made from the intuitive love of my heart.

I have tasted the freedom that money brings and the pain it has caused. I have lived counting pennies from a jar for groceries and thrown away food I did not eat. I have indulged without thought, yet tried to be generous knowing, that others are not as fortunate as I.

I have cried my share of tears. Felt unworthy and unwanted, yet I know the joy and comfort in a needed hug and cherish the beauty in true love. I get angry so easily, but I prefer to use my smile more for it is my best attribute. I understand and endorse the effect that laughter brings to each soul.

I have traveled to exotic shores and spend a quiet evening in front of a campfire. I have had a good education but my best teachers were sometimes strangers. I have struggled with my meaning in this life and read more than I care to admit about the subject. And still my search for meaning seems elusive at best.

All of this and more have brought me here.

At 52. I am single, my child has grown up and is making life choices of his own. I stand at this crossroad and wonder where it is I shall go now. What path do I choose? What journey do I care to walk in the latter half of my life? I stand here perplexed and stumped to be quite truthful. I stand here wanting to be free of my past and wise about my future. I stand here tired yet feel an energy within to move forward to new adventures.

It's been a crazy two and a half years since Gary died. That experience has taken me light years from where I was the moment before his death. I have learned so much and it has felt like I have cracked the chrysalis and am now this whole different person.

Perhaps I will just sit here for a moment or two as my wings unfold and watch the sky in all it’s blueness, for sometimes I think that I have let so much of that kind of beauty pass by while I was busy living this hectic life.


The sky just outside my door.

Italy in 7 weeks. Perhaps there, on my own, I will reflect on my past and find wisdom to choose the next path.