Now I know that when you read this blog it all sounds so sweet and sugary. Well, my life is not always that. I struggle with the emotional ups and downs of what once was PMS and now is menopause. I still struggle with the loss of my husband, guilts, regrets not many but still I did have some. My son and I are having our moments and lately they are more stressful than I care to think about.
It is easy to say what one might do if one were in any given situation. Some have said to me regarding my husband’s death, they would never handle it the way I did, they could not be as strong, or don’t know if they would survive such a horrific experience. My reply is always you never know what you are capable of until the experience happens to you.
I had a choice you know. I could have easily just ridden my car off the side of the road into a pole, I could have totally shut down, fallen apart, turned to drugs or booze to soften the pain of it all. I could have been extremely angry and hated God, the world and anyone\thing else that came in my path. I could have said that the world had done me an injustice and been miserable for the rest of my life. But I didn’t. I found love and gratitude and joy in the experience of loving someone, having a family and living the life that I did. I found gratitude in the thought that I could have been destitute from the experience money-wise, but I wasn’t. I looked for the lesson in the experience and used it to grow. I found this strength within that I thought I was incapable of. I did not let the experience snuff my spirit and I tried very hard to embrace all that was and is now.
The wound of my husband’s death is just beginning to heal. I am struggling with trying to let go of all that was and am finally beginning to discover and recreate my true being. I am dealing with a full time job, and maintaining a household while trying to learn to manage my money (something I never had to worry about). I am doing this while going through menopause. My son is refusing to move on, and refusing to see a professional to help him with the pain he holds to his chest from his father’s death and it makes my heart break to see him that way. I find my old friends are becoming more distant and\or I am becoming more distant from them for a multitude of reasons. I am learning and growing and changing every moment… it is a delicate balance.
Every now and again I have what I call a melt down. I lose control and question "What the hell is this all about?" and just have this enormous temper tantrum because it is all just too much and I think I just can't go on for one more moment. And then I vent, and when I vent... look out!
Words spoken in frustration and anger are hurtful. Once out of your mouth they can never be taken back. Actions taken out of frustration and anger are hurtful. Once acted upon can never be taken back. When you hurt someone through words or action you hurt the person you inflict, yourself, the world. I am forever learning this lesson. Anger is no way of venting and I realize this each time I get frustrated and let myself lose control.
It is what my friend Evelyn calls, "swimming in the pity pool". But I only try to swim in that pool for a little while. Perhaps you can call it one of my not so wise indulgences. Although, I know it is swimming in dangerous waters when you do and hang around there for too long and you are bound to eventually drown. So I force myself to think about the fact that there are millions of single people out there, single mothers and single fathers who are far worse off than I and truly struggling. I try to remember that I do not live in a war zone and fear for my safety, that my son is not fighting in a war. That I can walk the streets in my town without worry and that when I get on a bus in the city that I work, I do not have to concern myself with the fact that someone might have a hidden bomb on board. I think about how I am not holding a starving child in my arms knowing I cannot provide it with the nourishment it needs to stay alive. I think about how as a woman in my country I can vote, and work as an equal to any man. That I am well educated and treated with respect and if I am not, I can express my opinions about it without fear of reprisal. I think about how I live a very charmed life in comparison to the majority of people on this planet and in thinking all this, I am able to give myself what I call a "perspective check"... ah there's that phrase again.
My problems are relative in the end but not unsolvable and it is with that in mind that I try to maintain a better outlook and work toward making myself a better person every day. So if I sound a little sugary sometimes, that's not such a bad thing. It just means I am in perspective check mode!
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2 comments:
Uhm, have you read our blogs??? Clearly GRRR days are frequent, but with a healthy dose of cynicism and a good masseuse we manage to be mostly happy and fun, and even somewhat productive. Keep on keepin' on, baby.
My mother passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago last month. It was a sudden and horrific death, and I was with her when she died (I've written a lot about it on my blog). You never get over it, I think, but you learn to live with it instead. Just last night I was talking with someone about that scar a lot of us have from the old way they did mumps (or measles, or whatever) shots. It made me think of the one on my mother's back, and I could practically feel her skin when thinking of that scar and had to hold back my tears. My 11 year old sister is staying with us tonight (I'm 35). She was adopted by my mother when she was 6 months old. She won't talk about Mom at all. Anyway, you aren't alone, and neither is your son. You can both get through this. You are doing a fabulous job. It won't always be like this.
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