Abandonment Issues

Meet Brogue and Tavy

I have abandonment issues. Seriously, this is no joke. Can you imagine? Yesterday I read this:

Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.

If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.

(From: www.abandonment.net)


Well I’m not that bad but it did ring true to some extent. The thing is, I think I am not a whole person on my own and my fear of not being complete without someone in my life has stifled my ability to be the best I can be.

I just adopted two, two year old Scottish Terriers. These little dogs were kept in boxes in a garage and only used to breed puppies for two years. When the rescuer found them, they had no names, and did not know how to act as free dogs. Both dogs had been abused and the male had been thrown around and has a broken tail . The rescuer kept them for 3 months and gave them names and let them roam outside and get accustom to a “real” life. But she had many dogs and could not keep these two and was looking for someone to take care of them.

When my dog Teddy died last month I was lost without his companionship. I truly missed his presence so I went looking for another dog. I thought I would like to rescue a dog from the pound and started inquiring around. A lady wrote me to tell me about these two pups and I decided that I would take them on.

I have had them for two weeks now and it has been chaotic in my house to say the least. They have the maturity of puppies and have to be taught from scratch. They soil in my house, chew on my chairs and slippers and pretty much tear around like puppies would. I had to get a trainer in so that she could help me bring some kind of structure to this whole exercise. It has been a grand challenge, but when I got them I told them I would not give up on them and in some ways I was telling them to reassure myself the same thing.

In the two weeks they have calmed down a little and I am able to observe their characteristics. They are very insecure and raise hell in my penned in kitchen when I go out. Even Nick is unable to calm them down when I leave. Still I believe that in time they will trust that they have a home here and will eventually feel secure with me, my home and family.

In some strange way they have also given me a look at myself. How can I question their fears and mistrust when I myself feel the same way in my own life?

Dogs and humans are very different this is true. For me, I know I must learn to love myself more and feel more confident in my abilities to carry me forward. Until I do I will never trust others in my life, nor love unconditionally and freely and I will always be cautious in regard to everything I do. Which is not the best way to live your life.

You see I know this in my heart and to a certain extent in my head but my fear rears itself and gets carried away and eventually takes over. Sometimes it seems so hopeless, but my strong core knows better and my faith and trust in my core seems to keep me from totally losing my grip on that belief that this is just the experience and I can make it through and rise above it all to a more fulfilling place.

I am always on a quest to better myself, and work though issues I have. So in May I am going on an extensive program to help me jump the hurdles that have kept me from being all that I can be. I will update my progress in my blog in hopes that perhaps it might help someone along the way.

We are all victims to a certain extent, and although I don’t see myself as such, I have allowed outside issues to affect my life and in some cases hold me hostage. I know I have the ability to be strong and brave and inspirational, I just don’t believe it whole heartedly and until I do I will certainly repeat the same experiences over and over again until I resolve my issues.

Our journey is not always the smoothest but with faith in our ability to rise to any challenge, the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than we think.

In memory of my darling Teddy. The kindest, most gentle creature I have ever known.